Am I Way too Good for the Opposite Sex?


I’m 34 and have experienced a prolonged dry spell in courting and studying your site and beginning to go by your Discovering the One On the net has been really helpful.

Just today I was reminded of a recurring topic that I have operate into with guys. A friend advised me about a thing that was explained about me at the rear of my again by an acquaintance. Absolutely nothing awful, almost nothing intended to be adverse, I believe that. He mentioned, “she’s too good for my flavor.” I have heard this consistently all over my younger dating life as effectively as a purpose that males don’t want to date me – or theoretically wouldn’t want to if they had the opportunity.

My concern is… what does that essentially necessarily mean? That they consider my “niceness” is fake and don’t have confidence in it? That due to the fact I’m so sweet that somehow I wouldn’t be excellent in mattress? That lack of drama would make for an uninteresting partnership?

I am a pleasant individual, this means I think in becoming awesome to people today.

I am a nice individual, meaning I feel in remaining nice to people today. Politeness, agreeableness, and compassion are critical to me. I’m not a spineless pushover with no views who ingratiates herself to many others – probably that would be bothersome. If I’m awesome to you it is because I want to be – there’s no fakery there.

I would not actually imagine considerably about a single individual expressing this about me, but as I alluded to, this is recurring. Why wouldn’t a person want a “nice” female?


Right after I proposed to my wife, one of her very best close friends, Kristi, took me apart and mentioned, earnestly “Thank you for viewing what helps make her special. Quite a few men – which includes her ex-spouse – didn’t.”

If you feel that sounds like an insult buried in a compliment, I listen to you, but I didn’t get it that way. It was basically Kristi’s acknowledging what I by now realized, “She is nice, easygoing, and very good to the main and a good deal of adult men could not respect why all those traits make for a spectacular connection.”

She was suitable. The overall time I was courting my spouse, I was wanting to know if I should really come to feel a lot more intensely, specifically simply because our connection was so drama absolutely free. When you have put in your lifestyle chasing chemistry, pining for the best/smartest associates, and getting that the kinds I beloved the most by no means reciprocated, you can not constantly understand when your wife or husband is appropriate in entrance of you.

I designed a choice to marry my spouse that turned out the be the most effective final decision I at any time built, but it didn’t occur easily. See, the extremely characteristics that make a romantic relationship truly feel “safe” are not the characteristics that stimulate rigorous attraction. Dr. Pat Allen, the creator of “Getting To I Do,” once held up a blank index card to me to explain this phenomenon: “On this facet is passion. On the other aspect is comfort. Decide on 1.”

I’m delighted to say that Dr. Allen is erroneous. It’s not an either/or selection, but it is a trade-off. Typically, far more passion = a lot less ease and comfort. And additional ease and comfort = less enthusiasm. What we’re all striving to do is obtain the issue on the graph where by the two of all those desires are ably achieved. It is not effortless – and we have all produced questionable decisions where by we stayed with an terrible individual out of passion or settled on a dissatisfying connection based on comfort.

This is just my long way of stating, Jamie, that, as I’ve composed on this weblog right before a number of situations, wonderful women are not doomed to finish last.

good girls are not doomed to complete previous.

They are, having said that, plagued with the similar difficulties that experience pleasant men. Their strengths are their weaknesses. By currently being unconditionally sort to all people – a excellent good quality by the way – persons who are defined by their “niceness” normally never inspire more than enough attraction to make associates want to stick all-around. That’s why girls say they want a pleasant guy with edge, and conversely, males want a amazing woman with boundaries.

In other text, men are not passing you up because they consider your niceness is pretend. Nor do you have to end being polite, agreeable or compassionate to get a male. All you have to do is what my spouse did – persevere long enough to discover a in the same way good individual who appreciates all you provide to the desk. Do that and you are going to have a marriage that all the men who dumped you will ultimately envy.


Am I Too Nice for the Opposite Intercourse?